In my recovery I have discovered that one of the most difficult things to accomplish is forgiving myself for my past words and actions. I often think about the terrible things I said and did to people and to myself during the madness and chaos of my addiction. These memories are burned into my memory and they linger in the shadows waiting to reveal themselves randomly. I often still feel the pain, embarrassment and shame associated with those memories as if they just happened. It is often quite depressing and stressful because there is nothing I can do about them now. However, therein lies the key to overcoming these memories and feelings.
The past is the past and what has happened has happened. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it now. I often hear that and think how simple it sounds and how easy it must be to do but nothing could be further from the truth. I have come to the conclusion that these painful memories tend to reappear because they had a profound impact on your life. They either hurt you or shamed you so much that they are difficult to forget. So they often resurface when you are stressed or when something reminds you of a particular event or period of time.
Recently I was forced to return to a city that I used to live in for personal reasons and it was more difficult that I thought. As I drove around and through certain streets,neighborhoods and landmarks, I was quickly reminded of things that had occurred in or near those places. I found myself reliving a lot of mostly negative and depressing experiences as I navigated my way to and from various destinations. It was so frustrating and depressing that I just wanted to leave and escape the city I was in. But deep inside myself I knew that this was just a temporary solution and that I had to deal with these issues and meet them head on.
I reflected on the teaching of the Buddha and LaoTzu and came to the conclusion that I had to accept the past, accept and take responsibility for my actions and eventually forgive myself in order to move forward and overcome this obstacle in my life. I had to make amends to those I had harmed as opportunities presented themselves and when it would not cause harm to me or others. In some situations those you have harmed don’t want to see you, hear from you much less accept you apologies. In these cases it’s often better not to approach these people and let sleeping dogs lie.
I started to address forgiving myself by accepting my past. No matter how painful it was these events had occurred and the reality was that there was absolutely nothing I could do about them now. Immediately I felt a sense of freedom and peace. However, it took time, practice and patience to really start seeing results. Despite what our egis might tell us we are all human and we make mistakes. No one is perfect so we all will fall short and sometimes hurt other either on purpose or by mistake. They key is to immediately attempt to correct those wrongs as soon as you can and accept responsibility for your actions and ask for forgiveness from those you have harmed. That way you don’t have to live with the pain, guilt and regret of those actions later in your life.
Don’t allow your past to rob you of your future. You don’t walk down the street looking back over your shoulder do we? We have to stay focused on the present and not look at the mistakes we have made in the past as failures but look at them as lessons instead. Learning from those mistakes is the key to not repeating them again. This way we are more aware of our actions and we can therefore think before we act or speak. Sometimes the best response to a question or a comment is to say nothing at all. If you are having trouble please work on identifying what is causing you stress and discomfort. Identify it and ask yourself if there is anything you can do to rectify the situation. If not, accept it and work hard to let it go and move on. After there are a lot of people out there waiting to beat you down, you don’t have to be the first one in line.